Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
Last comment. I know of no exercises, diets or practices out there to help keeping balls young and healthy. They simply succumb to gravity.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Randomize
