hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
Green mimosas i think yes
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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