apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
