You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
why is half of my head shaved?
Randomize
