No awkward lesbian experiences without me
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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