fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Randomize
