True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
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