so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
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