Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
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