Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
He's totally hot and awesome. And he's a Democrat
Good, so he won't mind when you kill the baby.
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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