My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
people are starting to question the shark bite story
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
We are two peas in an std pod
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
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