couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
Randomize
