Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
He asked to "fluff my boner.."
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
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