I molested 6 butterflies tonight
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
she smelled like a LAN party
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
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