i was born a porn star she said
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
Randomize
