Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
