I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
Randomize
