hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
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