If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Randomize
