Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
Use "feeling words"
Yay
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
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