Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
I need to align my fucking chakras
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
