there's paper in my vomit.
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
