guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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