turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Randomize
