I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
Randomize
