if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
So what's the moral of this story? Aside from 'lesbians hold grudges'?
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
Randomize
