sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
The cops high fived after they tackled you
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
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