oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
Randomize
