so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
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