and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
