Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
