I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
I feel like a drive thru vagina
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
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