Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
