Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Randomize
