i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Randomize
