hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
Randomize
