if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
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