My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
