i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
There's a naked man in my car right now.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
Randomize
