my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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