I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
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