i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
