Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Randomize
