Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Randomize
