Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
Randomize
