wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
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