can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I missed Saved by the Bell this morning, but Ashley in a later episode of Fresh Prince is keeping the morning wood alive.
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Randomize
