filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
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