we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
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