I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
